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One day, a man alone in the desert for many years, sees
a shape in the horizon. He thinks: "It isn't a ship!" As the shape gets closer, he thinks: "This isn't a
boat!" The shape still getting closer, he thinks: "This isn't a raft!" When the shape is right before
him, he sees a superb blond fully equipped in a diving wet suit. She looks at him and says:" How long has
it been since you last smoked a cigarette?"
"Ten years ago," says our man. She unzips the right pocket of her vest and draws out a cigarette, which
she hands over to the man. He takes it and says: "My God, this is good."
Then the blond asks: "How long has it been since you've drunk a beer? "Ten years "answers the man. So she
unzips her left pocket and takes out a cold beer and gives it to him. He takes a swig and says: "Wow!
This is fantastic!"
So, the blonde starts unzipping her diving vest in front of him and says:" Since when have you had the
good fortune of a little pleasure? And the man, all excited answers: "My God, don't tell me you have
brought golf clubs!"
Daddy shark says to his son when seeing a diver: "Don't
ever eat of this species of fish because they give gas!
A diver arrives in the South and sees his diving buddy
with his hair all shaved off. He asks him the reason for such a drastic change. His buddy answers: "If a
shark attacks me, I want to be as aerodynamic as possible." The other laughs at him and says: "You'll
never be able to shake off a shark!" No it's to shake you off!
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Two freshly certified divers are savouring their first
dive. As they reach 20 feet deep, they see a snorkler. Our friends decide to ignore him and go for the 40
feet deep, but the snorkler is still following them. Bothered by him, the first divers makes a sign to
his buddy to stay by him and the dive down to 60 feet. They congratulate each other for having shaken off
the intruder, but there he is only three feet away. Astonished, one of the divers takes a board and
writes: "Hi! We are divers. How can you stay under the water so long?" The snorkler reads the board,
takes the pen and writes: "I'm drowning, stupid!"
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Blonde
Two blonds go for a dive. After discovering a wreck, they go back to the shore.
"I hope you remember where the wreck is"
- J'espère que tu te rappelles de l'endroit où
nous avons trouvé l'épave.
"Yes, I made an X at the bottom of the boat near the place where we dove.
"Idiot! How will we know it's the same boat tomorrow?
Three instructors and their students are on a boat in
the middle of the ocean. Everything was going well until the boat started to sink.
The NAUI instructor says to his students: "OK. We're in the middle of the ocean, so we will practice deep
diving."
The FQAS instructor says to his students: "OK we will have and orientation dive, so take out your compass."
The PADI instructor says to his students: "OK, for a small extra fee, you will have a wreck dive."
When I got certified, my instructor used to tell me to
never dive alone. He would tell me that if you ran out of air, your buddy could give you some. If you
have a problem with equipment, your buddy will be able to help you, and if you meet a shark, your chances
will be 50-50 instead of 100%.
Five good reasons to change diving centre.
1 - If the pressure reducers and the lawn mowers are sold at the same counter.
2 - If the jacket has a camouflage design.
3 - If the John Deere catalogue is sold with the Sin Diver.
4 - If the air and fuel are sold at the same pump.
5 - If a sign says:" Inspection of pressure reducer free with oil change of your electric saw!
Five reasons why diving is better than hockey.
1 - Alain Vignault could not speak with a pressure
reducer in his mouth.
2 - If someone body checks you under water, you always have a knife to defend yourself.
3 - It's not necessary to wait for the end of the period to pee.
4 - You do not make a wave. The wave catches you.
5 - Contrary to hockey players, divers spit in their own things.
Five signs that your buddy is not as experimented as he says he is
1 - He volunteers to carry your equipment.
2 - He doesn't understand that his diving computer doesn't work with Windows.
3 - He thinks that NITROX is a monster form Godzilla.
4 - It's his mother who goes to have his tanks filled.
5 - He says: "Me, I stay at the bottom until I feel pins and needles and then I go up."
Five reasons why diving is more fun than sex.
1 - You can dive in groups.
2 - Your buddy never nags because you get dressed to quickly.
3 - You can change partner at each dive.
4 - It as much fun to be under than over.
5 - Everything seems BIGGER under water.
A blonde learns that her friend has died while diving:
"My God! How did that happen?"
"Well, her tank was empty."
"Gee, all she had to do was blow in it."
This joke comes from Jean Guilbert from France.
You are a real diver if:
You spit in your mask before putting it in your nose.
You are incapable of not seeing the boat passing in front of you as a wreck.
If you show your diving card to a policeman who asks for identification.
You say, "I'm only browsing" at the fish shop.
If to get our of bed in the morning you do a back summersault
If you go down one floor when your cell phone goes bip-bip-bip.
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Centre de plongée Nepteau
